New Year's Eve

To me, this is the time to take a last look at the year I'm leaving behind.

To let go of what hasn't worked, shore up everything that has and learn what I must in order to build upon what is already working to continue living the happy and rewarding life I enjoy.

The past few months have actually been spent identifying and letting go of everything that doesn't work for me - whatever was not enhancing or respecting me, my life or my work.

Closing those doors has opened the way for some terrific opportunities and amazing people to come into my life - many unexpected - for which I am incredibly grateful.

Actually, I'm grateful for the entire process, because I've learned so much about myself and other people, which always makes for great art - not to mention a greater understanding of and between people.

The vast majority of 2006 worked just fine for me - including the introduction of some positive habits such as exercising at least 3 days a week, eating healthier, reading *much* more and pursuing classes to enhance my writing and filmmaking skills.

Among the highlights: visiting my best mate of 10+ years John and his family in Manchester, England for 3 weeks. I still smile and sigh recalling the million pictures in my mind of my ethereal, exquisite experiences.

Meeting and interviewing Alec Baldwin (I *love* this guy! And I was thrilled to discover I teach what he preaches re: acting and performing techniques for the camera!) and CCH Pounder (she is the BEST! And I was thrilled to discover I teach what she preaches about how to do well and keep sane in this business!) about the film acting craft for my movieScope magazine column.

Watching my coachees do so incredibly well - meaning get work - especially the past few months!

Write, produce, shoot and finish a short film - Mortal Wound - which we shot on 35mm film.

Singing every week to Kelli's baby Brock while he was still getting womb service; welcoming him to the world; then writing, producing and narrating a kid's audio book for him - The Great Adventures of Brockaramadingdong!

Meeting, working with and taking a creative writing classes from Steve Lorton.

The good health of my pets, family and me; the continuing spark my parents have.

Enriching friendships with people who have been in my life over a period of years or who are newly introduced-

Hmm - as I start recalling them, this list of great stuff could actually go on *far* too long. So it's on to the new year!

We have a new kitten! Photos to come shortly! She arrived today - more later.

After enjoying playing with the new kitten and watching bowl games and other holiday fare January 1, I start the early morning of my new year with a nurturing event - a 90-minute massage with all the trimmings - aroma therapy, yadda yadda yadda. It's important to begin with the notion that I take the very best care of myself and allow myself to be spoiled.

Followed immediately by digging in and polishing off the office organization-cleaning-preparation with Shannon!

New acting coachees are coming for their initial session with me to map out individual training strategies. My coaching practice at this point is actually too full to accommodate my writing and directing schedule; I need to maintain a balance so I'll have to make sure everyone working with me remains committed enough to do all the homework and make all their sessions. Otherwise...

I'm then taking meetings with experienced industry professionals who can help guide me through the maze of projects I'm developing and hook me up with some top people to make them happen.

Taking classes that are stimulating, challenging and require dedicated, hard work are part of my life now - Steve Lorton's courses on poetry (reading and writing) and creative writing are the two with which I'm starting my new year, as well as another editing class from 911 Media Arts Center and a couple dancing classes at Century Ballroom.

I'm reading *far* more now than I have in a long time, and will continue that habit in the new year. I'm averaging nearly a book a day as well as and several online newspapers - local, national and international.

I believe that if I don't learn at least one significant fact a day, no matter the subject, my life isn't complete - they also spiff up my conversations and blogs!

Spending time with friends and visiting baby Brockarmadingdong also headline the first week of 2007.

Thursday I'm having reconstruction/reduction surgery, which will probably diminish my blog writing prowess for a couple weeks, but I'll do my best to publish my reflections anyway! Recovery is expected to take several weeks, but only the first two require serious down time.

Since this blog covers only the first few days of the year, I imagine 2007 is going to be a year spent reshaping my life with a new body, new projects, great relationships, excitement, stimulation, inspiration and accomplishment!

Now to review my resolutions and statement of purpose - after which I shall welcome 2007 with a toast to everyone working to make a positive difference in their own life - and the lives of others.

Inspiration

Who or what inspires you?

The word inspire basically means to breathe in. To inhale.

You need inspiration?

Stop.

Take a deep breath.

Think of something or someone who inspires you.

Is it a child? An adult? A pet? Nature - be it a mountain or a bubbly brook? A book? A poet or poem?

You may want to write down your greatest incentive so you can read it the next time you need to stop and take a deep breath of creative inspiration.

Better yet, hatch up a list of who and what inspires you - be sure to add your own name; put yourself in their good company. You may also want to put photos of them on the paper.

Then put your inspiration conglomeration in a place you can see often.

Remember to stop. And take a very deep breath every time you read it! Inspire yourself!

I consider the people and things that inspire me my muses. They ignite, excite and incite so much creativity for me, it's a joy to be around them or just look at them, even momentarily!

Cleaning house

I'm putting the Christmas tree, holiday decorations and the terrific cards I've received away early this year because I need to hit the ground running in 2007!

The weeks of work put into streamlining and cleaning have paid off!

That's the thing about doing what needs to be done properly on a job requiring a major overhaul: if the plans aren't made early on and the work not executed systematically, the work generally doesn't get done efficiently or effectively.

Meanwhile, I'm happy to report the den looks like - and is - a functioning office now, with desks situated so I can work back to back with my working partner. I actually know where everything is so I can put my hands on whatever I need whenever I need it immediately!

Starting with a clean and organized house/studio/office is a great way to greet the new year and all its challenges.

Bring it on!

A visit to the vet

He left the room slowly, stoicly, this older tall man with a distinguished, neatly trimmed white beard and moustache, whose bright muffler scarf hung evenly on either side of his neck over his sharp holiday shirt.

Without a sound or stopping to pay the bill, he left the waiting room and office nearly in a trance.

I'd seen that look before. The soldier who suddenly realizes his buddy did not make it.

My wee pup Oscar was next to be seen by the vet. Oscar's Teddy Bear face hung out of my jacket as we moved toward the door the departing man left open.

Only to be stopped at the sight of a slight, aged woman wearing a fashionable red pants suit - whose alabastar hair appeared uncharacteristically tossled. She wept silently into a paper tissue over a small pink animal carrier sitting on the examination table.

Unable to move, her free hand rested on its handle.

It didn't matter the cage door remained open.

It was empty.

She was frozen with despair, this despondent woman whose back bowed with osteoperosis; her fingers gnarled with arthritis.

I could not stop watching her.

As much as I wanted to give her the privacy I'm certain she was unaware had been innocently violated, I also wanted to be there with her.

I wondered why someone wasn't there with her, for her.

I imagined the man who left was her husband. He had to leave when he did, knowing that he would have to pass through all of us sitting in the waiting room and the office staff. She had already surrendered to her grief.

Was it a little dog - those damned things can worm their way into your heart faster than software becomes obsolete. Unlike their larger relatives, little dogs tend to be carried. That means they are held in your arms - against your body. When your skin doesn't feel that little ball of puff pressure, the sense that something is missing lingers.

Or perhaps it was a cat who stayed with them for years and years. A kitty who was petted by both of them as they sat on the couch conversing. The couch that was replaced four times while they continued the same discussion, still petting Fluffy, who lay between them, oscillating as if she were on some sort of kitty rotisserie - turning just so, making certain every inch of her fur was carressed, snuggled or fondled.

Either way, my heart was with her. I wanted to hug her, or at least let her know she wasn't alone.

But I knew it wouldn't matter in the end. The loss of a beloved pet - all those years of unconditional love and perhaps especially unconditional, unearned and at times undeserved affection - is overwhelming.

Picture them cantering over the Rainbow Bridge; envision them playing on a cloud with the angels, or see them simply jumping into the welcoming arms of Saint Francis.

None of it can fill the void or fit the pieces of a heart's jigsaw puzzle sprawled on the floor back together.

I turned away, but Oscar kept staring. He wanted to give her little Pomeranian kisses, I know. He's like that.

Clutching my wee pup very closely, I went back into the waiting area, grateful he was so well behaved. He wasn't barking or being crazy like the other dogs. He was quiet and still, though his ears were quite alert.

Finally, the courageous mourner made her way through the waiting room. Deliberately, she carried her deceased pet's cage, tissues still in hand. I'm sure the office door felt as heavy as a vault portal to her. She would join her suffering husband in their car.

The vet assistant rushed into the room to clean it.

"Sorry for the wait, Colleen," said the receptionist. "Our previous appointment ended up being a euthenasia."

"No problem," I replied. "No problem at all."

The results of Oscar's blood work came back today. He has congenital heart failure, but his medications are working just fine, his heart sounds fantastic, his appetite is terrific and his energy is high! Arthritis makes him walk funny, but he doesn't move as if he is in any pain.

Such a good, sweet boy. But he does worry a lot. Every sound, every movement, every unusual vibe from me, my coachees, visitors or the other pets here is a cause for concern. At heart, he's either a Jewish mother or a watchdog.

Oscar's 11.

Poms usually live to an average age of 16. But he's had a lot of challenges from the getgo so he may not make it that long. When I got him after a rough start at 8 months old, he was pretty much a psychological and physical wreck.

The psychological part got worked out with two years of daily attention, socializing and training. The physical part continues to haunt him. Our wonderful veterinarians say he's still got some great years ahead - for which I am very grateful because he's a terrific little companion - and he even has his own fan club!

I decided that when his time does come, however, we're inviting a vet over to the house so he can be home where he belongs. It's very peaceful here; he'll be surrounded by everything and everyone he loves and who love him.

I'll snuggle him tight and kiss him good-night.

He won't have to fret about a thing.

Courage

"The way we deal with fear defines who we are." -- Colleen Patrick

The rest of my quote, which generally goes unsaid:

"In the face of trepidation, the cowards and the courageous are immediately identified."

We can't always be courageous, but to understand that it's always a choice is perhaps the most important realization we can possess.

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Meanwhile, what a magnificent evening last night!

Under a clear, black sky with stars scattered everywhere in sight, the holiday lights radiated from the streets, trees and stores in Seattle.

They were positively delightful, engaging, colorful and briliant!

Street after street featured storefront exhibits with "light touches," in store exhibitions and despite the holidays winding down, a continuing and lively spirit of the season.

Macy's boasted an awesome and large model train display - I was sick I forgot my camera! It was top quality and completely engaging - taking up a full window corner of the store. It was difficult to leave when we found more and more terrain, flora and fauna detail in the landscape scene.

Choo choo!

The large carousel was brightly lit as the kids rode their wooden horses 'round and 'round to the sound of the Gypsy Kings' music - which I *think*had a holiday tune in there somewhere.

A venti (the largest cup) hot chocolate with whipped cream accompanied our walk to keep us warm and our tastebuds fluttering following a terrific dinner at one of my very favorite downtown restaurants - Mama's Mexican Kitchen.

Hours of intense conversation - catching up with past adventures, outlining plans for the future and of course *astute* observations of every subject covered from politics to lessons learned to perceptions to attempting to understand others and their behavior in our past, present and future decorated the ambiance.

A special, memorable evening, indeed, whose pictures will linger in my mind for years to come.

New Year's Resolutions

I've started working on my New Year's Resolutions and a statement of my life's purpose.

Many people I know don't make resolutions because they believe they won't keep them.

But I make them because they give me goals that will enhance my life, relationships and work, and I make plans to follow through so I can make certain they materialize.

The list isn't final or finessed, but so far, here they are:

1. Be a better friend.

I'm not letting work or the "busy bug" overwhelm my schedule; I'm taking more (quality) time with friends.

I've already scheduled "friend dates!" Interestingly, the friends with whom I've shared this, tell me it's their resolution as well! Awright!

2. Maintain a strong nutrition plan and continue my exercise program with Anita after recuperating from my reconstruction/reduction surgery Jan. 4.

Anita and I started working out a couple months ago at a nearby gym, so this resolution is already underway!

3. Volunteer to teach using my camera/teaching/coaching skills at First Place (a school for homeless kids in Seattle).

I've already made contact with First Place to get this ball rolling.

4. Get a new kitten from the animal shelter!

I'm checking out a new kitten today or tomorrow! She should be home by Jan. 1!

5. Create a top quality production company with a committed, devoted, professional kick-ass business partner!

I'm taking meetings in January to get strong recommendations and get together with people who are interested in hooking up to make great films - shorts and features, documentaries and TV shows!

6. Make the most of opportunities presented to me and that I create - writing, directing, voice work, acting and filmmaking!

The actors' reading of my new feature script is being held in a couple weeks; after the rewrite, the script is presented to potential backers. Meetings are being scheduled for planning the production of STOP - a documentary devoted to showing how to *stop* domestic violence. An Academy Award® winning director recommended that my short film script "Freedom," be done as a feature film without "bothering" to do the short. Based on his recommendation, I'm writing the feature script and pursuing its production.

7. Create and maintain a budget to become debt-free!

I've created a simple plan for myself based on lots of suggestions and programs I've found online; it will be up and running Jan. 1.

8. Create three audio CD's - a Christmas vocal collection, a novelty "self-esteem program," and a children's audio book (I've already done one, The Great Adventures of Brockaramadingdong; this will be the second).

My life purpose statement is still a work in progress, but here's what I've come up with so far:

I live consciously, courageously and in good faith; my incentives are love and compassion; I awaken greatness in myself and others; I am tenacious, happy, fulfilled and well loved; I am at peace.

I should have these finalized by January 1, 2007!

If you have any resolutions or life purpose statements you wish to share, feel free!

Meanwhile, tonight I'm spending the evening with a friend walking around downtown Seattle, looking at all the lights and displays. It will be fun catching up with all his adventures and enjoying the holiday vibe while it lasts!

Warm and cozy

My little cottage in the woods is very cozy and festive with a tall, beautifully decorated tree, a fire crackling in the fire place, listening to some great music and drinking hot cocoa.

Believe me when I say that each of us privileged to have these modest comforts are fortunate indeed. I'm not just speaking the plight of the homeless everywhere this winter, but of those who have been displaced by storms across the US, Canada and other nations.

More than a million people in the Seattle region lost electricity for a minimum of several hours during a fierce wind and rain storm - there are still areas left without electricity for more than 10 days, leaving thousands seeking shelter.

It seems that local agencies have not been ready for either this or an earlier storm that stranded thousands here - including me - because the roads iced up almost immediately on a Monday afternoon. They have plenty of excuses for not meeting the challenge of either situation, both of which claimed lives.

This is not to detract from the front line and first responder heros out there still putting their own lives at risk putting the roads, electrical, telephone and other systems back together again!

We hot cocoa drinkers decided the world would be a better place if we, as individuals and organizations:

1. eliminate excuses from our stock behavioral repertoire. Um, then we figured out that the only way to do that is not to do things that require an excuse!

2. plan for disasters - personal and natural!

3. insist on what we want or need instead of beating around the bush or playing games (political or relationship) - or honestly say what we *don't* want and not get wanky about simply telling the truth.

4. take stock of our own behavior before pointing fingers and blaming others for problems we actually bring on ourselves.

These are the greatest gifts we can give those we know, live with, work with, love and care about.

Agreed?

Agreed.

Mmmmm. Christmas tree. Hot cocoa. Warm fire. Vacation.

Peace, love, contentment and happiness

I wish you all four of these life qualities this holiday season and the coming year, whether you celebrate Hanukkah, have a Merry Christmas or a kicking Kwanzaa!

I am fortunate to experience all four at this time - none of which I take for granted - and am now eager to get fired up to set 2007 ablaze!

Last night I had the most wonderful Christmas celebration I've enjoyed in many, many years.

The family with whom I spent it have both Jewish and Christian backgrounds, and I found myself smiling all night long.

The gathering was a genuine celebration and reflection of what the holiday is really all about to me: friends, family, music, *loads* of laughter, *sensational* food (prime rib and turkey with all the trimmings), sharing thoughtful gifts; warm, affectionate conversation, "show and tell," attentive pets to play with and pamper and a wild candy-eating kid to spoil!

I am overwhelmed with the notion that all the positive, personally rewarding experiences occuring to, for and with me over the past several weeks and continuing through the new year is laying a remarkable foundation for the best year ever coming up not just for me, but for everyone around me.

I've decided to share my good fortune by volunteering as a teacher/tutor at First Place - a school for homeless kids in Seattle. While I've not actually been homeless, my family moved 17 times by the time I was 17, so I know how it *feels.*

I conducted a successful program for at risk kids several years ago using my camera and coaching skills. Kids *love* to be on TV; they try and work harder when they know they'll be on camera - even if it's to give a report, solve a math problem or identify countries on a map.

First Place has a strong volunteer program, so it will be rewarding for me to become part of it, knowing we can make a difference in the lives of kids who otherwise might feel alienated or too "different" from other kids. I know that feeling well, and have come to be at peace understanding that where ever I am *is* my home.

Moving a little too much continued to be a lifestyle for me as a young adult, but I am now fortunate to have lived in the same personality-filled cottage in the woods of North Seattle for nearly 15 years.

May renewal, renovation, revival and rousing, romantic, remarkable realizations rock our worlds in 2007, Gentle Reader!

New movieScope magazine is out!

It features my acting column on CCH POUNDER, aptly titled, CCH POUNDER, The Definition of Success!

Part of my column can be read online - the entire moviescope table of contents can be downloaded in pdf.

Like his predecessor, ScreenTalk, Editor-in-Chief Eric Lilleør insists on the highest quality in content and production values for this new slick magazine venture, which covers news and insights into producing, writing, directing and acting for the camera internationally.

A number of celebrity filmmakers and plenty of splendid, insightful articles are part of the publication.

One article I *highly* recommend for writers from this edition: Fifteen Dialogue Tips by William C. Martell.

Enjoy!

Intuition - honor it!

There's a gut reaction we have to people and how they treat us - call it intuition.

If we have such a strong sense about the other person we call them on it - they have two choices: they can take a look at themselves and decide whether what we see has any merit - or if it does not.

Usually it takes a degree of suffering or pain to actually take the step to say something.

Say, telling someone, "I don't feel heard" by you.

In other words, "I don't feel that you actually hear what I am saying. Worse, that you don't care enough to try to understand what I am feeling or respond to what I'm saying or asking.

"Most importantly, the way you make me feel when you ignore what I say to you is painful. I'm hurt because I feel I'm not important enough to you for you to even respond to. I feel like I don't even really exist. I feel literally dehumanized."

Interestingly, I know a guy who was told this by his girlfriend, who broke up with him. His response was to pursue the relationship even harder!

In short: his response to hurting her by not listening to her in the past? Is to NOT LISTEN TO HER EVEN MORE! Only on a grander scale.

He thinks he's now showing her that he really cares about her! In reality, he's only putting the icing on her desire to stay broken up because he's not listening to what she wants.

To show you can listen to the person who feels unheard: give her what she wants. Good-bye. Then clean up your empathy/compassion/listening and responding act and come back later if, in fact you actually do love the other person and are capable of showing it.

I also know someone who was told his behavior felt untrustworthy.

His response? To do things that proved, over and over again, that he was, indeed untrustworthy.

Instead of taking responsibility for his (untrustworthy) actions and figuring out how he could heal himself and change the situation, he denied he was untrustworthy, projected his negative feelings onto others, and then made nasty accusations that had no merit.

In short, every word out of his mouth - everything he did to defend his "trustworthyness"? Proved him to be genuinely untrustworthy and on far more levels than were originally identified.

Being defensive and offensive, avoiding taking a truthful look at his behavior and obfuscating responsibility for his behavior, he dug in and attacked the person who just told him how she felt.

Result: BOOM! Bad breakup and a clear understanding that the guy really isn't trustworthy.

He could have attempted to gain clarity and understanding of why she feels she can't trust him, especially if he believes he is misunderstood - and is actually trustworthy - or there has been a misunderstanding of what he's done that feels untrustworthy.

The point is:

If our intuition/gut tells us someone is treating us in a way that is hurtful, actually telling the person how you feel will result in a positive result - even if that positive result is the end of a hurtful relationship.

Why go on suffering when just telling the truth your intuition is telling you about how you feel should resolve a resolvable situation.

If you're hurt by someone's behavior and that behavior is named, and the person willingly negotiates to deal with you in a way that will result in stopping the hurt and moving on to a more caring, positive relationship?

That is terrific! You both can grow - individually and together.

If, however, you're hurt by someone's behavior, the behavior is named, and the person only reacts negatively, attacking you, failing to take any responsibility for his/her behavior or even consider dealing with what could possibly be a misunderstanding?

You can now free yourself from being the target of that person's hurtful behavior, and even feel good about taking good care of yourself and protecting yourself from further hurt by him or her.

More, you can be at complete peace, knowing that you saw things clearly, that you are free from the threat of bearing the brunt of any more pain from that individual - and even forgive the person - completely - as you move on because you're also now free to be happy - in relationships that are pain-free.

We can even wish the hurtful person well, hoping they heal and find peace, happiness and healthy relationships for themself.

Intuition, gut feeling, whatever you want to call it? Honor it. Act on it. It's only trying to protect you.

Now imagine the intuition-feeler is your protagonist.

And the dweeb who only proves his untrustworthy behavior is your antagonist in one script and the lamer who doesn't listen the antagonist in your other script!

Again, great characters to write about - like the Seinfeld characters - not folks you'd want to hang out with.

Petty people

Pity petty people.

Tuned to tunnel terrible terrifying thoughts.

Teeming terminally through the teeny trifling trivial.

As love and compassion, locked out, wing by innocently.

Empathy

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately: Empathy.

Actors need to have empathy for the characters they portray - down to his or her bone marrow, whether they're loving, kind, generous, sexy, obnoxious, judgemental, mean, heartless or beastly.

Another word for practicing constructive empathy is compassion. It's the ability to have a degree of understanding how another person feels. What motivates them, what they yearn for. When we are capable of understanding these things, our relationships grow closer.

It's like a relationship mirror: reflecting how that other person feels.

Interestingly, while we're expected to either naturally have it - or be missing the "gene" - empathy can be learned.

According to studies, if we have parents who are not empathetic, we won't be. If we realize we're not empathetic, ideally, we'd want to change that in order to experience the world empathetically because we'd attract more people who would relate to us positively and compassionately.

I believe a lot of people who study acting with me - especially men - do it to get in closer touch with their feelings - perhaps especially empathy and compassion. Not just for others, but themselves.

Caring for someone - including ourselves - normally includes these qualities. Friendship or any close relationship is usually distinguished by a degree of empathy or compassion for each other because it enhances a sense of closeness.

Without empathy/compassion, there is no genuine relationship.

One book I highly recommend is The Power of Empathy by Arthur P. Ciaramicoli and Katherine Ketcham.

It outlines constructive and destructive empathy.

Constructive empathy emanates from wanting to be a more understanding, caring person.

Destructive empathy is practiced by someone who believes she or he is more important than others around them ("the center of the universe") and only deal with people they see as "useful" to them in some way.

People with constructive empathy have more self awareness.

Those practicing destructive empathy tend to be defensive, project their own negative thoughts and feelings onto others and do not taking responsibility for their behavior.

Empathy - whether we have it or not, and if we do have it - constructive or destructive - is such an influential part of who we are, it's crucial to understand its relation to us as individuals and if we're creating and/or portraying a character.

Understanding ourselves and our relationship to empathy is healthy for us personally - as individuals - and everyone with whom we relate.

Understanding how empathy influences our character and makes him or her tick is basic to character development for the writer, performer, director, artist or actor.

Keeping your word

Keeping your word is the primary key to trust.

It starts with keeping your word to yourself.

When you keep your word to yourself, you'll find you keep it to others.

When I meet people who don't keep their word to me .. they don't do what they say they will .. I know they are betraying themselves as well as me.

Lots of folks who come to me for coaching suffer from this word-breaking condition (I have no idea why) and want to change their behavior. So I came up with a *very* simple, amazing exercise that results in people not only keeping their word but feeling much better about themselves.

My coachees do it just because I suggest it, suspecting it's just too simple, too easy to *really* work! But they return overwhelmed and honestly shocked at how powerful and effective it is.

Here it is:

On graph paper, leave the left column free to list items.

To the right of the wide column, across the top, map numbers from 1 to 31 - each representing a day of the month.

Make copies of this template if you want to work with hard copies.

In the open column at the left - list 5 things you can't help but do every single day.

Like:
1. wake up
2. pee
3. poo
4. drink water/coffee/tea
5. check email

Give your word you will do these things (that you automatically do anyway!).

Giving your word - out loud is better than just thinking it - is recognizing the process of making a promise to yourself.

Now when you keep your word, the complete word-keeping process is brought front and center into your consciousness.

Usually when we say we'll do something and don't follow through, we don't even recognize that we're breaking our word; that we're not telling the truth, betraying or hurting ourselves as well as someone else.

Having this new awareness is crucial.

So, every day, after doing each of these five things? Check them off.

After you wake up? Check.

Pee? Check.

Poo? Check.

And so on.

Do this for two weeks - you'll be amazed at how great you feel and how much more you naturally do that you've been putting off (things you've told yourself you'll do, then procrastinate which is usually not keeping your word to yourself).

After the first two weeks, you can add one item every two weeks that you really want to do, and already do to a certain extent, but don't do automatically.

For example, you might add, "6. drink 8 glasses of water." Something you're already doing to some extent - you only want to increase the amount.

The most important thing is that you ONLY add one single item every two weeks, and ONLY add those things you know you can do - for which you can keep your word.

If you find yourself starting to break your word on any of the listed items? Start all over again with the basic five items.

Otherwise you'll slip into old bad habits of breaking your word to yourself and others and now beat yourself up over it because you'll have more awareness about your behavior.

This process has to be gentle and done in a way that leads you to keep your word every time you give it.

As you improve over time, you can add more challenging items - things you want or need to do that you don't automatically.

The best way to avoid breaking your word is simply not to give it. If you can't follow through, don't say you can.

After you have the awareness of knowing each time you give your word, you'll be able to stop yourself before you automatically say you'll do something you won't or can't.

Instead of making a useless promise, you can say, "Let me think about it." Or, "Let me get back to you." Or, "I'm not sure I can do that." Or, can you believe it? "NO." Or "I'm sorry, I can't."

Seriously, my CP Word-keeping System™ works!

Gassy dogs

It's something only a dog lover can tolerate, overlook, ignore or accept the "blame" for:

Fido flatluence.

I have two 5 pound (2.3 kilograms) Pomeranians whose fur is trimmed, making them appear even smaller than their weight.

But trust me a little dog's cheese, when cut, can go a very long way.

Mistletoe normally does not have digestion dilemmas - but when she has her annual ... release ... party, usually around the holidays, her fumes could, I swear, keep any flame burning for well beyond eight days.

Happy Hanukkah!

Oscar, on the other hand, contributes more to the air-obic atmosphere on a near daily basis. My right eye is my "tell." It closes naturally when his little rear end exhaust pipe vaporizes the room.

Talk about packing a punch.

But they're nothing compared to a little spaniel visitor we had earlier this year.

I swear, the paint peeled and the wallpaper wept, curling its way down to the floor, surrendering to the powerfully pungent odor.

All of which is a plea to everyone this holiday: please do not slip pups any extra special treats, especially human food.

You won't be doing yourself - or your guests - any favors.

Quotes to lift your spirits II!

(This is stuff I've said and read from anonymous sources)

Trust is created simply by saying what we'll do and keeping our word.

The greatest fault is not to be conscious of our own.

True love is an action, not a feeling or thought. Unexpressed, love is .. vapor.

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step - no matter how tiny. (I'm starting a few thousand mile walks in 2007!)

When one door closes, another opens. Want to find those new open doors? Stop staring at the one that's shut.

The best kind of friend is one with whom you can be with, never say a word, and leave feeling as if you've had the best conversation evah.

We may not know what we've got 'til we lose it; likewise, we don't know what we've missed until it lands in our lives.

We have one life. Use it or lose it. And remember we affect everyone whose lives we encounter, no matter how briefly.

The happiest people I know don't have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Universal languages: music, love, art, dance, film, emotions and smiles.

The #1 present to return this year: hugs.

Everyone needs to be loved...especially when they do not deserve it.

The choices you make today determine what happens tomorrow.

Working through conflicts makes friendships and love stronger.

Hanging on to what doesn't work is emotional suicide.

The best present parents give their children: loving one another.

To get out of pain, we must go through it.

Quotes to lift your spirits!

(Stuff I've said myself and read from anonymous sources)

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

Your life can be what you want it to be - but you must want it badly enough to do the work it takes to create it.

Count your blessings, not your troubles. Infinite gratitude=happiness.

You will make it through whatever comes along.

Don't limit yourself.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.

The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.

Do not take things - especially yourself - too seriously.

Live a life of integrity, not a life of regrets.

Listening carefully and clarifying = responding to what is intended, asked for and meant, which = understanding and love.

A little love goes a long way. A lot … goes forever.

Friendship is a wise investment.

It is *never* too late.

Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.

Knowledge is weightless. The more you learn, the easier it is to carry.

Take time to wish upon a star. (If it's daytime? Close your eyes!)

You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

A good example is the best advice you'll ever give.

No one is easier to deceive than oneself.

Washington State Actors: been ripped off?

From Kristin Alexander of the Washington State Attorney General's Office:

"If you have experienced "bait and switch" activity by Emerald City Model or any other business, please file a consumer complaint with the AttorneyGeneral's Office Consumer Protection Division.

"Complaints we receive help us identify areas that require enforcement.

"In addition, if you feel that you are owed a refund for products or servicesyou purchased, we may be able to help you.

"Our complaint analysts conduct informal mediation on behalf of consumers and businesses.

"File your consumer complaint or call 1-800-551 4636 to speak to a complaint analyst and/or request a complaint form by mail. Kristin Alexander, Public Information Officer with the Washington State Attorney General's Office, can be reached at 206-464-6432 or email at: kalexander@atg.wa.gov."


Several actors have come to me from places that promised them jobs and instead only charged them for taking unprofessional headshots, or been told an agency would represent them only if a certain photographer took their headshots first at considerable expense, that an agency would represent them only if they took classes through their agency, that an agency would not pay them anywhere near the time they were promised they would be paid for work done, etc.


Actors have been afraid - or even told outright (I've read the threats) that if they complain, they will be blacklisted here and in every other market as well.


This is *not true.*


Asking for a fair hearing about any concern is literally normal at well established places like the WGA, SAG, etc. People have a right to ask questions and express concerns.


The best way to handle it, however, is to go to the person you feel has "ripped you off," that is, either charged for services not delivered, asked for more money than originally agreed to be paid, said they would give you one thing and then when you showed up switched what was promised and needs money to provide it or has not come through with any promises made before money changed hands.


If the person threatens you, says that's your tough luck or dismisses your concerns, that is when you want to file a complaint.

Until then it's best to see if the office will settle it with you first


If you have a problem regarding illegal or rule-breaking activity with a business - problems you know have been going on for years? It's best to let the complaint analysts know about it to see if there is a pattern of breaking rules or ripping off "clients" over the years that continues today.


Basically:

1. an agency should not require you to have a specific person take your headshots
2. an agency can ask that you pay a reasonable fee to feature your photo on their website; major agencies charge very little for this service, usually only enough to cover their web costs, and some charge nothing
3. talent agents do not take headshots themselves. They can offer you a list of people they recommend, however
4. check out the cost for photographers taking headshots in this area: they range from $250-400 for a standard stitting; makeup and hair stylist is extra - normally $75-125.
5. schools, career counselors and coaches cannot guarantee you'll get work; that's up to you

The best thing to do is be smart and professional about approaching what you need for your work and career.


Check around, talk to people with whom you're interested in working; ask other actors whom they'd recommend.


This business is expensive enough without having to fork over your hard earned dollars for something that isn't legit.


BUT! Remember it's your responsibility to research and check out who's who and what's what as well.


Part of the problem is that there are so many people who are ignorant about the business - they've only read what the media say and therefore have no idea how it really works; worse, they haven't made an earnest effort to figure it out. And so many are hungry to (they believe) become actors that it can be pretty easy to rip them off.


Because there are few talent agents in the Northwest, know that, for the most part, they represent way more people than they can attend to individually on a regular basis.


You must take responsibility for getting work on your own - and it's easy to find lots of indie work in this area (and some paid!) without an agent.


I recommend you get a bit of a resume going before you approach an agent so you both will be excited about the potential partnership.

And be *sure* to research an agent you want to approach so you'll be prepared when you meet with him or her.

If an agent takes you on the recommendation of one of their actors, that's cool, but it means you need to figure out how to do what everyone else has - skills and performances - to make their way in when it comes to working your way up the food chain.


Cold reads, improv and developing character from sides are the major means of auditioning today for camera work; monologues are still necessary though!


Casting directors are after LOOKS as well as talent. You actually do not need an official headshot to submit to them, and all of them have an online presence you can find. If you're studying acting and haven't got an official headshot? Send in a photo or shapshot that best represents your *real* look and personality.


NO ONE professionally involved in the industry is interested in "glam" shots.


For work:

http://performerscallboard.com is a good place to start seeking work-register for their daily emails (it's free) that announce performers and crew sought in the NW.

http://tpsonline.org/auditions/database.shtml Theater Puget Sound also provides audition listing.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/theater/audition.shtml The Post-Intelligencer newspaper lists auditions

http://seattleactor.com Seattle Actor lists all sorts of information, including auditions


For training:

http://seattleactingschool.com has a complete listing of teachers and coaches in this area. I really respect these folks because even though they would prefer you to attend The Seattle Acting School, they list teachers and coaches in the NW whom you can contact to discuss what you want to learn and how you want to learn it.


Meanwhile, word of mouth (and actually getting work!) is the best advertisement for any agency, coach or career counselor.


Good luck - now get to work!

Denial and delusions

Refusing to see the truth - or believing something is the "truth" when it is not in fact the truth at all - is called living in denial.

People who live in denial are among the most interesting characters on screen and the most frustrating to deal with in real life. Because they want to see the world in a certain - false and dishonest - way, they will do whatever it takes to convince us that world is how they wish to see it.

Addicts (drugs, people, sex, porn, food, wha'evah), alcoholics, and people who find it too painful to face reality - live in a private world that denies it in order to prevent feeling the agony they must in order to become who they actually are, what they are really doing and what is genuinely happening.

This is all part of what mental health workers consider a "psychological defense mechanism" that motivates "denyers" to do bizarre and dishonest things in an attempt to control others.

Sooner or later, denial collapses - but it takes the experience of *extreme* pain before they reach their "bottom" and begin to turn their thinking and behavior around. Unfortunately, that turnaround normally happens after they have hurt many people, including themselves.

There is a *lot* of valuable information about denial and delusion online, which I highly recommend checking out for many specific symptoms of someone living in denial.

Again, just as understanding these psychological phenomena contributes to healing our mental health in real life, they help us as artists use all sorts of these unhealthy attitudes, behaviors and actions for our characters to tell a great story using memorable characters - truthfully.

Friends in business - a good or bad idea?

Wow!

You know, I've been warned that being in - or creating a business with - friends doesn't work.

That chances of emotional upheaval and failure escalate when friends go into business, become business partners or even work together closely in the same office. There are even statistics that "prove" this.

Imagine my surprise and rapture when I read Tom Rath's book - Vital Friends!

Turns out that in fact not "just" friends - but best friends - make the most desirable, fitting and thriving work teams possible!

That is, people with whom you not only work, but care about, support, hang out with, socialize, know each other's families, confide in, are there for one another, know you "have each other's backs," and mostly, can count on to be freely honest.

I realized I've done this - worked with people I consider best friends - and I agree!

While we have worked on some of our relationship and communications "issues" over the years, knowing the friendship is solid and steadfast, and that we can fearlessly share anything with one another, trusting each comes from a genuinely caring place has made a magnificent and rewarding difference.

Now, you needn't be the boss to have a happy, successful livelihood with a best friend. Rath points out the key here is that a genuinely best friend - not a casual or even a "good" friend - is involved.

Rath has ties to the Gallup Organization - which surveys opinions about anything and everything worldwide, with a well-respected reputation for being objective about social research.

Here's what he discovered when they researched the broad subject of the economic and emotional impact of friendships on the job:

If you have a best friend at work, you are significantly more likely to:

*engage your customers
*get more done in less time
*have fun on the job
*have a safer workplace with fewer accidents
*innovate and share new ideas
*feel informed and know your opinion counts
*have the opportunity to focus on your strengths each day

As well as seven times as likely to be engaged in your work!

Probably (my thought) because you enjoy going and being there. My experience is that it's a joy to work with a friend - that magic can be created with even a more casual friend who has complimentary skills - but that joy is escalated several times over when we are best friends.

Interestingly, the research shows that only 30% of people polled have a best friend at work - and that without a best friend, chances of being engaged in your job (focused, excited, innovative, participating, finding it rewarding) are only 1 in 12.

Hmmm - Interesting. That's the exact statistic I've heard about about "friends going in business together" - just friends - who succeed: fewer than 10%.

The reason Rath wrote the book is that so many companies, including those considered successful (on paper) actually discourage close relationships between coworkers because of what turns out to be (overall) a myth about people with deep, caring friendships - causing problems in the workplace.

As their research shows - clearly and repeatedly - the truth is exactly the opposite: you and your business will thrive if you're collaborating with your best friend because maintaining that closeness - along with your business or job - is a priority!

A friend tells me that her dad and his best friend have been - happily and successfully - in business for 25 years. In fact, they just opened yet another branch of their enterprise because they continue to love what they do and grow - individually and industrially.

She says their personal lives and families are "positively intertwined," that they all really like or love each other and that the closeness of the business partners is "almost like a second marriage."

More, she says, "everyone around them has enjoyed the benefits of their working and personal relationship. Their skills and strengths compliment each other. Each has his own special talents."

She adds that it's downright entertaining to be around them.

I wonder which comes first: the best friendship or the working relationship? I've been a best friend first before we worked together successfully and worked with someone closely - successfully - who became a best friend.

In both cases, we consistently worked on relationship and communication skills to make certain each of us felt heard, appreciated and like a priority in each other's lives.

Note that this information does not cover office romances!

Under promise and over deliver

I like to under-promise and over-deliver.

That's one way of saying that I like to keep my word and not just do what I promise, but do it in a memorable way that is much better than anyone involved ever expected.

Often, people in this industry over-promise and under-deliver.

That is, they make promises they can't keep, don't keep, or in some cases have no intention of keeping.

No matter the reason, when it happens it is incredibly hurtful. I'm afraid I've been wagged by that dog more than once because other people have made promises to me .. which I've passed on to others with whom I've wanted to work, only to have those promisers not come through after all - even when contracts were signed.

Which left me in the sorry position of having to pass on the bad news to those I've involved in projects or intended adventure that could not be fulfilled.

I never blow the whistle - name or blame the people who have not kept their word to the others who have to receive the disappointing information. I take full responsibility, though heaven knows I'd love to explain what really happened.

It just doesn't feel right to do that, no matter how disappointed I might be that someone else has not kept their word; that their action or inaction ends up reflecting badly on me.

Those who have worked with me before - and who know me - understand that something out of my control happened because I've always kept my word before. But others who have not worked with me? I can't say.

I've taken to not saying anything about anything I'm doing, that I'm up to or that I'm working on until it's basically a done deal.

But that's still difficult when a production is understood to be - basically - a done deal and someone at that stage doesn't come through.

Fortunately, 2007 holds with it a year that will start at least a decade of me working with people who will make sure we will consistently and constantly under-promise and over-deliver!

Negotiating

I love negotiating.

It's a way to get to know someone - what they want, need and expect. And it's a way to see if we can work out a way to make sure we're both getting enough of what we want, need and expect in order to make a work or personal relationship beneficial to both people.

1. The first thing we need is two people equally interested - as commited - in negotiating - both need to have the same goal: make the situation work and in a way that pleases both people.

If both people aren't equally willing to hash it out - um, it's a monologue. Say! That's not a bad idea. A monologue about negotiating with someone who refuses to show up. Note to self: write this monologue.

A couples' therapist told me that many couples come to him because one of them actually decided months ago she or he wants to leave the relationship and isn't as keen on doing what it takes to make the relationship continue - while the other partner comes to earnestly learn how to work it out. The counselor is relied upon to help the person wanting out of the relationship to explain the reasons in a way more palatible to the person being left.

When there isn't equal enthusiasm to work on what it takes to deal with the issues creating the problems between them to make it work? Um, you do the math ..

2. The next thing is to set a firm date and time to hold the session - within a reasonable period of time.

It doesn't work to say "Oh, someday." Or, casually, "I don't know when I'll be ready .." both of which show a lack of interest.

3. Each person brings in a list of what she or he wants, needs and expects. It can be as long as you wish, but in order of the most important first to the least important last.

4. If you don't want to include a mediator, I suggest you tape record the session to hear what you sound like. Some people are shocked to hear how harsh or passive or .. differently .. they sound from how they intended, at least consciously, to sound.

5. Take each item one at a time - and take turns. Flip a coin for who goes first. A takes the first 5 minutes - uninterrupted - to explain his first point/concern/want/need/expectation.

When the timer goes off at 5 minutes, re-set it for 5 minutes for a discussion period, when B is allowed to ask questions of A or seek greater understanding of A's concern/point/need, etc. This is not a time for B to present her side or experience of the situation or challenge what A has said.

6. Now it's B's turn to talk about her first point for 5 minutes. Followed by a 5 minute discussion period, with A only seeking greater understanding or asking questions for clarification.

7. After presenting 3 points with discussion periods for each person, it's time to listen to the tape. Take notes as you hear something you want to clarify, new information or something you may want to comment on later.

8. When the tape has been played, it's time for a chat about what was said and heard.

You can set up guidelines of this part for yourselves. I recommend each person takes 3 minutes to talk about previous notions you had before the negotiations started and what changes in perceptions have taken place - or to add information to anything considered misunderstood from the information sharing.

9. Stop. Reset another date and time for a session, agreeing not to discuss any serious matters until the session - but to make notes about them to share later.

Part of the reason for that is that tempers or levels of fear drop enough to be more clear and cogent about stating the situation when we wait - and look forward to that specific time to meet and discuss these matters.

There's a relief and reassurance for both people, knowing that any issues will be reserved at these scheduled meetings. You can actually begin to look forward to them.

After the initial discomfort of the first meeting, they can actually become fun.

Jealousy and envy

One of my actors and I were discussing jealousy and envy recently, and the effect they have on individuals and relationships.

Jealousy is the fear of losing something you can never have - or possess. It's a total lose-loser emotion.

People who are jealous of their partner in a relationship are (usually irrationally) afraid of losing them. Since we can *never* possess people, the jealous person is afraid of losing something they never did - and can never - own.

Jealousy is the first emotional step to domestic violence, since, allowed to fester, jealousy becomes the motivation to control the other person in the relationship.

Failing fear-driven attempts to control the other person, the stakes become higher in the jealous person's mind - and efforts to control the partner escalate into verbal abuse, generally followed by sexual and physical abuse.

These are the classic steps in domestic abuse escalation, which too often ends in maiming or death of the targeted partner.

Of course, it's also possible to be jealous of other people who have something you believe you want - a job, the glory, notoriety, money, whatever. Again. Jealousy is the result of fear: fear of losing what you will or can never own. Namely their job, glory, notoriety, money whatever.

But you can have your own! If you're afraid you'll never have the money they have, ask yourself why not? What fears do you have around making the kind of money s/he does? Or the glory? Or the notoriety?

You can never be anyone other than you. Go for what you want - figure out how to get what you want and how to get it in your own inimitable way.

If you are experiencing jealousy and don't want to, ask yourself what you're afraid of in the situation. When you figure that out - you can address the fears, create goals and meet them if it's something you *really* want. Often, when you discover what is *really* going on? You're not as interested in what you thought you coveted!

Envy is different. Envy is a wish that generally deals with qualities.

If you envy someone's relationship (I always wonder about this since there is *always* so much we don't know about people's relationships when they're behind closed doors), you probably wish you and your partner would emulate the way they communicate, treat and support each other. The qualities that you see in their relationship is what you're after.

If you envy someone's home, you probably wish you had a home with its qualities - such as being warm, cosy and loving.

Envy can be used as a positive motivator to achieve goals you are inspired to create, based on seeing someone or something that you want to mirror or emulate.

Writers and actors need to understand the distinction, because jealous characters don't deal with their emotions, they strike out at others. They often blame others for their own failures; they become irrational when they become afraid of losing what they do not or can't ever have. They can become violent.

It's extremely immature behavior.

Envious people are more likely to improve themselves or do something goofy (comedic) in an attempt to make their wish come true - their goals realized!

However: both jealous and envious people can demean, gossip about or tear down the very people they envy or of whom they are jealous in a futile attempt to build themselves up and "level the playing field."

I say futile because the truth always shows up sooner or later, and anything said that is untrue only ends up reflecting badly on the messenger.

Boundaries - Part II

Yesterday's blog dealt with establishing boundaries with ordinary folks whom you want to teach how to treat you.

Part II is about the need to thwart people who are inappropriate, untrustworthy or outright abusive.

Hopefully in 2006, we are able to tell someone they are being inappropriate without apology, establishing a clear boundary.

Recently some of my actresses have told me about other actors or crew members who have hit on them at film sets - *even though* the women clearly established they are married, engaged, not available or not interested in seeking a relationship.

While the actresses tell me they have been polite about telling the inappropriate men they are not interested, and the men were not insistent (like this makes them OK after all), the women were actually incensed about being approached in the first place.

Since the set is a workplace, the situation is dicey - because you don't want someone upstaging you in every scene if he gets pissed for you telling him to ... um, get lost, as it were. But because it is a workplace, the director, producer or production manager should be able to help you if they are made aware that anyone is being inappropriate.

If I have the slightest notion inappropriateness may take place on my set when I direct, I make it clear *nothing* can interfere with the work. I find the director usually sets the tone for appropriate/inappropriate behavior on the set. It's never happened on any of my films.

Meanwhile, I'm not sure that absolute politeness is in order if a coworker you barely met sexualizes the workplace (that's the definition of sexual harrassment, btw).

So you just might have some retorts ready. Like:

Cut it out.
You know better.
Are you kidding?
Don't do this - you make yourself look desperate.
Don't tell me you're one of those guys who's always after unavailable women.
Oh, man. I lost a bet with my (husband/boyfriend/fiancee). I thought you were *gay.* (Walk away)
My boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/fiancee isn't into three-ways.
Hey, I know Chris Hansen and he's doing a new show on workplace predators for Dateline.

Seriously, I guess the only thing I can suggest is to be as prepared as you can and not be afraid to tell them to stop it. To cut it out.

The problem is - we've all been there - it always happens when we're totally vulnerable, when we're not expecting or even slightly suspecting that someone would be so inappropriate - which is usually part of their plan.

And heaven knows we wouldn't want anyone to think of us as or call us a *bitch* even though the other person is somehow permitted to be totally out of line and receive a polite rebuff.

Here's the bottom line: inappropriate, untrustworthy behavior can grow into something way ugly if it isn't stopped up front and in a way that means business.

Abusive behavior cannot be tolerated at all because it will undoubtedly grow.

Here's something Oprah Winfrey outlined in a recent program that I think everyone should heed:

First comes the whisper - your gut has a notion: something is wrong.

Ignore that inkling, and that inkling develops into a clear message: something is wrong.

Ignore the message? It expands into a recognizable problem.

Ignore the problem? A crisis is created.

Left unattended, the crisis progresses into a full blown disaster.

Want to avoid a personal disaster? Listen to your gut.

Then believe it and act on it - no matter what anyone says to deny or contradict it.

Courage!

Actors' updates will be posted next week!

Several of my actors are or have been cast in films and commercials - some of which have been shot, other productions are coming up soon!

Photos and updates are coming to my home page next week!

Boundaries - Part I

I *almost* L-O-L about this subject and the perceptions that have been brought to me recently by some of the folks with whom I work.

They believe they are having trouble with *other* people who don't seem to understand their boundaries.

In fact it is the problem of the very people who are complaining!

Here's how it works:

A complains that B is too intrusive.

OK. According to A, B might be too intrusive. But B is just being B - and in his world, he's just acting normally.

And, dare I say it? B isn't a mind reader.

We train people how to treat us.

In one case the proverbial A told me she was actually *mad* at B for not keeping her idea of a boundary.

Uh-huh.

Get this: it is not B who is the problem. It's A.

A simply needs to explain to B what she considers a boundary - what boundaries she needs in the relationship.

In the vast majority of cases, if the relationship is new, B will say, "Kewl."

If the relationship has existed over a period of time, negotiations are necessary to create a full understanding of what each needs re: boundaries in order to communicate and relate comfortably with one another.

In order to be successful, both people need to understand what sort of boundary works most effectivelly for each. Without this self awareness - specifically what she needs or doesn't want re: boundaries and behavior, the negotiation will fail.

A needs to figure what she wants/doesn't want before getting upset about whatever B is doing, especially if B is doing nothing normally considered objectionable.

Serious problems arise if A has "allowed" (in her mind) B's "transgressions" without saying anything over time, building unnecessary and unfair resentment against B. It's definitely not B's fault A has failed to say what she needs.

Passive-aggressive behavior works this way: when B does something A believes is OK? A is passive; there is no change in her behavior. In her mind, that behavior is "permissible."

B is somehow supposed to get the telepathic message that when nothing is said, no change is made, B's behavior is "approved." But when a perceived transgression has been committed? Then A does something aggressive - taking negative action - without saying a word.

For example, borrowed books and dvd's are returned, dumped in B's mailbox without a note of thanks or any source of identification from who put them in the box!

I had this happen to me - someone angry with me stuffed my mailbox with books and dvd's borrowed long ago without a thank you note or any identification. I loan so much stuff out, for the life of me, I couldn't remember who borrowed them.

Finally it hit me - I remembered who returned them. I thought, "Oh, right! This is the aggressive in her passive-aggressive pattern." Shrug. Move on.

It always stuns me when the A's come to me, almost bitterly complaining how *angry* they are with the B's - and how shocked they are to find that it's not the B's problem *at all* but their own lack of communication skills and clarity that create the painful dilemma.

In some cases, B will sense A's discomfort - and may ask A what's going on. If there's no truthful response from A - or no response at all, B may withdraw from the relationship altogether because in the end, A's behavior is disrespectful, at least a bit dishonest, untrustworthy and in its own way, emotionally (passive-aggressive) abusive.

All of which is only to repeat: we train people how to treat us.

If we don't like the way people are treating us or their behavior, we either need to clarify how we want the relationship to work or remove ourselves from the situation.

Tomorrow:

Boundaries - Part II

Today's blog is about people who are just being themselves - B's who are considered to be crossing a boundary of A's - but are not doing anything that is actually inappropriate, untrustworthy or abusive.

Tomorrow: dealing with people who are either or all three.

Note: If abuse is in any way a factor in a current relationship, it's always a good idea to get help to deal with it. Particularly in the case of sexual and physical abuse? Find safe ways to leave.

One + one = you

A couple of my actors have been undergoing some significant changes - to be healthier, more positive and do what they know they must to be happy.

I admire their courage for foraging into the tough terrain of personal growth and totally support their efforts in whatever ways I can.

A significant "problem" getting in their way, however, is that they're beating themselves up for making the not-so-smart choices they have in the past - choices that put them in the unhappy state they currently find themselves. Ouch.

Here's what I tell them - and myself - when I realize I've made a choice that doesn't exactly put me in the most clever, clear or cool category:

One plus one equals you. Or me.

To put it more simply: One + one = you. Or me. Or us, for that matter.

One: is your background, upbringing and influences.
+
One: is what you know and believe - about yourself, about people and relationships, about the world.
=
You -Whatever decisions you make (good, bad, indifferent).

Its mathmatical probability is no reason for those behaviors to continue, however! Especially if they make you feel badly about yourself!

The only "one" that can change is what you know and believe about yourself.

Understanding that what you know/believe - about you and what motivates you to behave as you do influences your decisions - and that changing what you know/believe will transform your life, it's important to learn new ways to deal, cope, live, behave or whatever you need to do that makes the most positive difference for you.

Refining the second "one" influences the outcome of you - sometimes dramatically. And yet the brand new combination still equals the whole you.

How is your current one + one working for you?

This same equation can be applied to relationships.

One (your collective upbringing, influences, experiences) + one (what you believe about yourselves *and* your relationship) = you (collectively).

Interestingly, if a relationship "pushes buttons," then chances are it's a significant relationship in your life for personal growth. But that only works if both people are as committed to finding new ways of dealing with ourselves individually as well as each other in the relationship.

Otherwise, it's definitely better to work these things out with a healthier companion.

If the sum of you - or your relationship - currently leaves you feeling unhappy, lost, uncertain, wondering how the heck you got "here," where ever "here" is?

Maybe it's time to figure out where and how you might learn to start making wiser, more desireable decisions.

My first choice for learning is always the library. There are massive resources to address any general or specific issues we face, from how to heal heartbreak, train your dog, make healthy choices and create the life you desire to how to get your living space looking spectacular on any budget.

The internet is also rife with resources.

Here's the deal: once you realize that one + one = you, there are no more excuses for allowing destructive behaviors (our own or others) in any area of our lives.

That's healthy, problem-solving psychology.

However! As artists:

Actors and writers generally deal with abnormal psychology to create drama - whether comedy, drama or in the following case: tragedy.

Let's say there's this lonely little overweight kid whose mom suddenly becomes wealthy - so she takes off for Las Vegas, deserting him. Then his only (pathetic) friend, his beloved sled "Rosebud," is snatched from his hands by a neighborhood bully. (The first "one")

So this kid holds a grudge all his life. He takes out his childish anger on everyone with whom he comes in contact.

His sad, lonely background of desertion and abuse ("one") creates a juvenile perception that never matures ("+ one"), which in his mind makes him act in ways that prevent him from ever being as hurt as he was as a child when he was deserted and victimized again.

Thus equalling the abusive behavior ("= him").

He "gets even" with Rosebud's thief by taking over the world - by hook or crook, destryoing everyone in his path - especially those he believes he "loves."

Make sense?

One+one=the character, who in this case only knows how to hide his real feelings and raise Kane. ;-)

Film fests

Wow.

I saw our short film Mortal Wound on a small TV screen last night, which is probably what film fest screeners are using, and on the small screen, the first half of the film feels slow. Seen on a small screen, I could see editing another full minute from the piece.

It's shot on 35mm film, which is intended to be seen on a larger screen -where it flows smoothly.

Eeek!

We'll have to see what unfolds in the world of film fests for Mortal Wound - and be sure that it's seen by as many people as possible outside the fest circuit on a large screen!

The Wonder of Vision; the Vision of Wonder

One reason artists - regardless of their "day jobs" - are heralded over the centuries is because of their vision.

Whether scientist, painter, economist, writer, researcher or inventor, these artists have a genius for incorporating their vivid imaginations with what they know for sure.

Applying their ingenuity, they have created new and original perceptions of the present and future; predictions and conjectures; mind-altering discoveries, revisions, revolutions and revelations that change the world.

Each of their remarkable, awe-inspiring, world-altering inventions, insights, innovations, inspirations or inceptions began with two words:

"I wonder ..."

As in, I wonder how ... I wonder if ... I wonder whether ... I wonder ...

I wonder how many of us wonder.

As in, wonder how we can make a difference. To the world immediately surrounding us. To ourselves. To the world at large.

Wonder how we can make "things" better.

How "things" themselves could be better, could be more humane, effective, efficient, trustworthy, economic, caring, generous, helpful or just plain work as they should!

It seems to me that when we just sort of let life happen to us without any conscious input or direction, acknowledging our intention or reflect on why we do what we do - or think what we think - one day we'll wake up only to be left to wonder ..

Wonder how on earth we arrived here, wherever "here" is. And "here" doesn't feel like home, or a place where comfort, peace, happiness, enjoyment and excitement dwell.

Today one of my actors and I were discussing our life subtexts. She guessed mine as, "I'm good."

Really? I asked her if that's because I appear to be so confident. She said yes.

Nope. "I'm good" wouldn't be my subtext because I never take myself that seriously. Work? Definitely take it seriously. Myself? No.

Actually, my life subtext is, "Wow! This is amazing!" because the way I live, think and believe continually fills me with awe .. and wonder.

I'm always amazed at what happens around me and in the world; how people treat each other the way they do, how (realistically or unrealistically) people see themselves. The amazing array of perceptions people have of an identical item, fact, person, situation or statement.

Ever wonder why and how that happens?

I wish you a day of wonder.

Feelings, whoa whoa whoa feelings ..

Emotional people do not bother me - even when their (non-violent!) emotions are directed at me, whether they're thrilled with or pissed at me.

I take a deep breath and figure they have a reason for feeling what they do and expressing themselves the way they do - even, in some cases, if what they're feeling doesn't, in reality, involve me.

Many times people who are upset aren't even angry at the person they're yelling at - or actually mad about whatever it is they're screaming or writing in vicious emails or letters.

Many folks can't deal with emotional people when they're upset. They flip out when people are emotional around them. They become frightened. I've wondered if they are afraid of their own feelings and therefore uncomfortable with people who are so expressive.

I find that most artists I know are emotional - especially if they're passionate about their work. Passion can easily overflow into other areas of our lives.

Professionally, actors have to deal with feelings all the time - their own and those of so many different characters they play. I think it's a good idea to be not only familiar, but comfortable, with our own emotions so they can feel free to express whatever our created characters need to get out.

Being afraid of feelings, or incapable of dealing with them - our own or anyone else's - might create problems in relationships. With others as well as ourselves.

As I tell my actors, feelings are just feelings. They won't kill anyone - unless they are not dealt with or if they are left unexpressed. Allowed to infest and infect, neglected or suppressed feelings can grow until they come out sideways or in ways that are outright destructive.

Destructive feelings are tolerated in films and fiction when it's fake; they can be disastrous when they happen in real life.

Your life - your mission

Approaching the new year, I love to restate or reset my life's purpose and mission.

It's a bit of a process, so I'll start working on it today.

Empowering others and myself is always at the top of the list.

Anything I can do to support people in their quest to find their purpose, their passion, happiness or finding peace - I'm happy to lend a hand.

I *try* to confine my counseling side to my paying clients and coachees so I don't pass on those pearls of wisdom to people who don't ask for them - and in fact can live quite well without them! ;-)

Fortunately, when I accidentally start to slip, my compassionate friends know me well enough that when I open my mouth to offer an unnecessary recommendation, they pop up with, "Thanks, CP! Got it covered!" :-)

These friends are the same people who impose a 30-minute period of silence for me after we all see a movie together. They sit around and talk about the film, saying what they like about it, who's hot in it, etc. Then at the end of the 30 minutes, they turn to me and ask, "OK, CP, what did we miss .. what's wrong with it?" When I analyze everything - acting, lighting, editing, yanga yanga, yanga.

Entertaining others and myself is a close second. That includes writing, performing, singing, directing, using sock puppets - any skill required to create something for an audience - even if it's pets or a single individual.

I try to coach with humor. It's so much fun to watch coachees laugh when they learn! As I mentioned in another blog, one of my actors was interviewed by a top Academy Award-winning director. He asked her to tell him the most important thing I taught her -- she said, "To laugh at myself."

He was mighty impressed! Me, too! Fortunately he was also mighty impressed with her work!

As for me - I do not understand the concept of being "bored." It's not just a matter of entertaining myself, but of constantly learning, thinking, creating, meditating and now being physically active when I do these things - as well as using a pen, pencil or laptop to write. Whatever is closest.

My purpose is to create something that can be used in practical ways by others. I love to see and express something in a new light, in a new way, with a fresh approach. I try to do that in my blogs.

One of my missions is to make people feel appreciated, special and successful. It's amazing what individuals can do when they are shown how to do something in a way that is most effective - specifically by them, in their own style, in their own way.

That requires trust - both in their coach and faith in themselves - that they can make a number of mistakes - without fear, shame or ridicule - until they hit the bull's eye: the winning combination of words, actions, tones, subtexts, movements or notes.

I also love serving my pets and friends; taking care of them when they need it. I don't mind doing whatever it takes to be there for them. Having so many people there for me when I went through months of chemotherapy and radiation gave me a special appreciation for just being there for someone who needs unconditional companionship and hand holding.

I also believe that another purpose I have is to show people the power of faith - which as you know if you've read my blog awhile is something I believe every artist must have.

For example:

In the middle of my battle against breast cancer a couple years ago, my little 5-pound white Pomeranian Mistletoe was kidnapped. Dognapped. From right out in front of our home.

As the hours turned to days she went missing, then the days turned to weeks - friends, family and well-intended neighbors would purse their lips, concerned that I was deluding myself by keeping hope alive that I would ever see my little angel dog again.

They were even more worried that I was making myself much sicker by going out every day, regardless of how I was feeling, posting flyers, sending post cards, putting ads in papers and online, whatever I could do to find her.

All I knew is that I would never, never give up on finding her.

Finally neighbors and complete strangers who heard about my situation joined my friends - volunteering to help spread the word far and wide.

Until one day a 15-year old girl recognized Mistletoe's picture on a small poster with my phone number at Starbucks. She told her mom, who was with her, that she knew who had my pup.

Her mother called me, gave me the kidnapper's name and where she went to school - making me promise never to give her daughter's name because apparently the girl who took Mistletoe would "punish" her for snitching.

The kidnapper lives south of Seattle - at least 15 miles from where I live, and was walking by my house the morning she saw and took my little dog.

Thanks to a teacher I know who tracked down the kidnapper's number and address, I had Mistletoe back within 12 hours of that phone call.

That was 8 weeks to the day she went missing.

When I blanket e-mailed everyone that I found my wee pup; that she was home again - that she had not been well cared for but was oh, so thrilled to be sleeping in my arms again - I could not believe the number of people who were shocked - calling it a miracle!

They admitted they thought she would *never* be found - they actually thought she was toast and only humored me while I was on my Mission Impossible!

I never doubted I would bring her home - dead or alive. She needed to be home with her family.

I think a lot of people learned a lesson about faith that day.

Everyone except me.

But I definitely reveled in appreciation and gratitude, with a full heart, as I held my little girl again.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

One of my best friends runs his own successful company.

Something we have in common: in the past we've had this idea that we want to help some people get ahead. Give them a leg up, a break, whatever you want to call it, knowing how difficult that can be in our respective businesses.

Over the years I worked in the news media - radio, TV and newspapers - I successfully mentored countless college student interns - literally dozens. Each of them intense, rich and rewarding educational working situations. Some of them even became friends after their internships were completed - in fact if any of them read this, I bet they contact me.

An actor I coached worked with me several months a year over three years as my assistant when she was home from her acting studies at NYU's Tisch School of Drama and the Stella Adler Studio.

We worked regular 9-5 work days, M-F, exchanging my mentoring for office work; she also acted with other coachees during the day for scene work. This was an extraordinarily successful mentoring/working situation; we worked *very* hard on several projects - it was magic - and had loads of fun along the way. I count her among my closest friends today.

My company-running friend and I have accomplished innumerable successful projects with experienced co-workers.

So! Imagine our surprise and disappointment when our good intentions paved that well-known road.

We identified people - mature adults, inexperienced in our respective industries - whom we considered talented and hard working and wanted to help grease their path to the next level, including them on professional projects we created.

We thought it would be great for their resumes, reels, experience, knowledge, references, whatever is appropriate for the particular business; and that the work would be fun and rewarding for us (actually, everything I work on is fun and rewarding anyway). They agreed they were ready, willing and able to take part in these projects. We even drew up contracts.

The results have been what I call "successful disasters," and fortunately there have been few.

In my friend's case, the inexperienced mentorees would gain tremendous professional experience (the success part), but would then start to assume greater knowledge and power than they actually had with other workers; some even took advantage of him financially (the disaster part).

In my instance, they reaped a valuable education and participated in extraordinary, well-produced professional projects (the success part). Then communication would deteriorate when problems with their spouses arose - each for a different reason that had nothing personally to do with me; in one case not even the work itself but a change in priorities marked by an unannounced withdrawal (the disaster part).

After chatting about our "successful disasters," who also seemed not to appreciate the extraordinary opportunities they were afforded, my friend and I decided that, while we had to accept our 50% for any problems that developed after the successful part - much as we worked to avoid them - there will be no more.

Along with our mentorees, we learned a valuable lesson:

We found our way to the next level of our businesses and respect of our peers strictly through the love of what we do, dedication, the quality of our (very hard) work and networking with other professionals who share our love of excellent work; other inexperienced folks we meet who *really* want to be in our businesses will have to find their own way as well.

A toast to all of us succeeding beyond our wildest dreams in the new year!

Lessons learned in 2006

Overall, 2006 was a Dream Year.

Ample happiness, enjoyment, excitement, achievements, discoveries, health (still cancer-free!), enlightenment, awareness, creativity, nurturing and breakthroughs were granted me and mine.

One significant disappointment stole some of that happiness. But the lessons I took from it have given me tremendous insight; other doors are opening because of it - so it all turns out to be for the best.

Gratitude prevails through the good and ... less good! ;-)

I bet every person who does what they love and makes a living at it, no matter the perceived expense, considers themselves blessed. The freedom, risks, courage, discipline, ingenuity, the highs and lows, problems and solutions (no matter the size) - daily rewards, all. We've worked long and hard to be able to do what we love - and it only gets better.

Amidst the exhilaration of The Season, as I look forward to rituals of renewal in the coming days, here are some of the lessons I learned these past 11 months.

1. How to properly care for my tropical fish!

Anyone who has tried to raise fish knows it's much more of a challenge than it appears. The first couple months were touch and go - mostly go. Now? Hurrah! The aquarium is gorgeous, as are the fish, who should continue to live for as long as 10 years. They bring countless hours of enjoyment to everyone who watches them endlessly play tag, dive, swim, flip, streak around or through the plants, a "No Fishing" sign and coral rocks. My friend Shefskie will be proud!

2. I love to sing!

I've always enjoyed singing, but these days I sing at the drop of a note. For groups, individuals, pets, fish - doesn't matter. It's a spiritual experience - every sense I have is filled when I sing. I feel like I can do anything! Next year, I'm playing my piano and guitar more because they make me feel the same.

3. I love to read and write poetry!

Thanks to Steve Lorton, poetry is becoming a passion.

4. I must *always* trust my gut.

Twice this year, my gut told me exactly what was going on, but because I believed what I was told instead - POW! Ouch. My self-imposed misery was caused because I doubted what my intuition *screamed* at me. If I had confronted the situations when they first struck me, no matter what others said, I most probably would have had honest answers much sooner and would have gladly dealt with them as they really are.

5. Friends are friends.

In my lifetime, no perceived problems or misunderstandings have separated friends. I've had some memorable verbal altercations with some of my best friends; with others just as close - there's never been a single cross word exchanged. Friends are friends.

6. It doesn't matter what others do - as long as I keep my word and maintain confidences I am at peace with myself.

7. Much as I love to help people new to the industry, working with experienced professionals is crucial for me now.

Now on to New Year Resolutions!

Baby Brock is born!

He's 21 and a half inches long, 7 lbs 1 oz: he arrived Friday at 5:30pm!

Mom Kelli is doing well, and reports - objectively - that he is *incredibly* cute!

I can hardly wait to to see him and his family react when I play the CD book I wrote and recorded for him - The Great Adventures of Brockaramadingdong!

Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is the key quality of great actors onscreen.

It means the person/character is open - emotionally and psychologically; letting us in on the feelings, thoughts and reactions transpiring inside.

Auditions are frequently held in a way that lets us see just how much the actor will communicate with us - let us know what's going on in the character's heart, mind and soul.

Even tough guys - perhaps *especially* tough guys onscreen have that particular quality. Despite their actions of bravado, we see how they are suffering, how they are plotting, how they are frightened or determined.

Think of Harrison Ford in any Indiana Jones adventure or "crusade." We know how he's feeling and what he's thinking every nanosecond he's onscreen! The man is *terrified* of snakes!

Bruce Willis in "Die Hard" let us see from the getgo that his character John McLane is all about loving his wife and wanting to reunite with his family.

Everything else in the film is just a series of obstacles his character has to deal with to assure the safety of the woman he loves so he can get back together with her ... somehow ... despite his obstinance and her determination to have a career.

These qualities of humanity - of personal vulnerability - in the face of having to put his life on the line every moment, are what endear the character to us.

Yep, letting people see our vulnerability - what's going on inside - can make others think of us as downright loveable in healthy relationships. And the relationship between the protagonist ("good guy/gal") and audience member is normally perceived to be safe.

If he had been a completely fearless, feeling-less cop? Who, frankly, would give a damn about John McClane? Not me. Most probably, not you either.

When we open ourselves emotionally, letting others know how we feel, it's a risk. The courageous believe we can deal with whatever comes with the risk of laying it all on the line.

Cowards, because they act from a base of fear, won't let us in so we never know what they're thinking or feeling and in the end we neither trust nor care about them.

We wonder what they're hiding, what they're really up to because we don't see them as telling us the truth about who they are, what they want from us or what their real goals are. We therefore experience them as only two-dimensional because they lack that third, emotional dimension .

It's fine to be a real life prisoner of war and be two-dimensional to protect yourself; onscreen, we need to see the third dimension as you portray that prisoner of war or we won't care about your character.

The courageous also generally fight for a cause greater than themselves - in John's case, he cares deeply about protecting his wife and therefore his family and all innocent people caught in this quagmire. Indiana Jones' quests are for the good of humankind. Wonder Woman saves the world.

Bad guys? They care about money or the zap machine or protecting their power or maintaining their position or "saving face" or they want to hurt innocent people or to do something that is, in the end, a most unworthy cause. So when they're popped off? We say OK! Awright! Way to go, John! Hurrah, Indiana! Right on, Wonder Woman!

Actors who play bad guys must also show their own vulnerability - why they care so much about the money or cause that is inhumane they are willing to put their own lives on the line.

The reason they care can make sense - say, a family member was killed by people perceived to be the "good guys." But the actions they take to "remedy" the perceived injustice never justify their brutal actions.

So if you're auditioning, remember: we need to see vulnerable. What your character is thinking and feeling. Or, if you're auditioning for a commercial? We need to see what you personally are thinking and feeling.

Again, the state of being vulnerable means you are open - tender - and that's a risk.

The question to ask yourself as the actor: is the risk worth it? In this case, getting the part.

Now put yourself in the character's position: the character has no idea s/he is at an audition and is simply reacting to what's going on in the scene, showing a vulnerability that is literally taken for granted.

Get it? Either you're in the scene, in character, or you're not.

When you're vulnerable? You're the character, in the scene. That usually means a callback.

Not vulnerable? You're thinking about yourself and what you're doing at an audition. Next!